There was a moment, too, when the colonel thought of presenting me to Madame de Dolomien, by the way of assuring his favor in the royal circle, but when he came to count up the money he should lose in the way of profits, this idea became painful, and it was abandoned. As often happened with this gentleman, he reasoned so long in all his acts of liberality, that he supposed a sufficient sacrifice had been made in the mental discussions, and he never got beyond what surgeons call the "first intention" of his moral cures. The evening he went to court, therefore, I was carefully consigned to a carton in the colonel's trunk, whence I did not again issue until my arrival in America. Of the voyage, therefore, I have little to say, not having had a sight of the ocean at all. Icannot affirm that I was absolutely sea-sick, but, on the other hand, Icannot add that I was perfectly well during any part of the passage. The pent air of the state-room, and a certain heaviness about the brain, quite incapacitated me from enjoying any thing that passed, and that was a happy moment when our trunk was taken on deck to be examined. The custom-house officers at New York were not men likely to pick out a pocket-handkerchief from a gentleman's--I beg pardon, from a colonel's--wardrobe, and I passed unnoticed among sundry other of my employer's speculations. I call the colonel my EMPLOYER, though this was not strictly true; for, Heaven be praised! he never did employ me;but ever since my arrival in America, my gorge has so risen against the word "master," that I cannot make up my mind to write it. I know there is an ingenious substitute, as the following little dialogue will show, but my early education under the astronomer and the delicate minded Adrienne, has rendered me averse to false taste, and I find the substitute as disagreeable as the original. The conversation to which I allude, occurred between me and a very respectable looking shirt, that Ihappened to be hanging next to on a line, a few days after my arrival;the colonel having judged it prudent to get me washed and properly ironed, before he carried me into the "market.""Who is your BOSS, pocket-handkerchief?" demanded the shirt, a perfect stranger to me, by the way, for I had never seen him before the accidents of the wash-tub brought us in collision; "who is your boss, pocket-handkerchief, I say?--you are so very fine, I should like to know something of your history.">From all I had heard and read, I was satisfied my neighbor was a Yankee shirt, both from his curiosity and from his abrupt manner of asking questions; still I was at a loss to know the meaning of the word BOSS, my clairvoyance being totally at fault. It belongs to no language known to the savans or academicians.
{savans = scholars}
"I am not certain, sir," I answered, "that I understand your meaning.
What is a BOSS?"
{boss = Cooper was annoyed by American euphemisms, such as using the Dutch word "boss" in place of "master"--a custom he blamed largely on New England "Yankees"}
"Oh! that's only a republican word for 'master.' Now, Judge Latitat is MY boss, and a very good one he is, with the exception of his sitting so late at night at his infernal circuits, by the light of miserable tallow candles. But all the judges are alike for that, keeping a poor shirt up sometimes until midnight, listening to cursed dull lawyers, and prosy, caviling witnesses."{circuits = American "circuit judges" travelled from town to town, holding court in each and sleeping at local inns and taverns}
"I beg you to recollect, sir, that I am a female pocket-handkerchief, and persons of your sex are bound to use temperate and proper language in the presence of ladies.
"Yes, I see you are feminine, by your ornaments--still, you might tell a fellow who is your boss?""I belong, at present, to Colonel Silky, if that is what you mean; but Ipresume some fair lady will soon do me the honor of transferring me to her own wardrobe. No doubt my future employer--is not that the word?--will be one of the most beautiful and distinguished ladies of New York.""No question of that, as money makes both beauty and distinction in this part of the world, and it's not a dollar that will buy you. COLONELSilky? I don't remember the name--which of OUR editors is he?"{Cooper is ridiculing the habit of newspaper editors of seeking popularity by serving in the militia and thus receiving the title of "Colonel"}
"I don't think he is an editor at all. At least, I never heard he was employed about any publication, and, to own the truth, he does not appear to me to be particularly qualified for such a duty, either by native capacity, or, its substitute, education.""Oh! that makes no great difference--half the corps is exactly in the same predicament. I'fegs! if we waited for colonels, or editors either, in this country, until we got such as were qualified, we should get no news, and be altogether without politics, and the militia would soon be in an awful state."{I'fegs! = an obsolete, essentially meaningless exclamation, like "Iswear!", deriving from "In faith!"}
"This is very extraordinary! So you do not wait, but take them as they come. And what state is your militia actually in?""Awful! It is what my boss, the judge, sometimes calls a 'statu quo.'"{'statu quo' = in the same state as always (Latin)}
"And the newspapers--and the news--and the politics?""Why, they are NOT in 'statu quo'--but in a 'semper eadem'--I beg pardon, do you understand Latin?""No, sir--ladies do not often study the dead languages.""If they did they would soon bring 'em to life! 'Semper eadem' is Latin for 'worse and worse.' The militia is drilling into a 'statu quo,' and the press is enlightening mankind with a 'semper eadem.' "{'Semper eadem' = the usual meaning is "ever the same" (Latin)--presumably Cooper's talking shirt is being ironical, suggesting that that "worse and worse" is the constant condition of the press}
