There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand;that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter. PAGE We three, to hear it and end it between them. SIR HUGH EVANS Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. FALSTAFF Pistol! PISTOL He hears with ears. SIR HUGH EVANS The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He hears with ear'? why, it is affectations. FALSTAFF Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse? SLENDER Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves. FALSTAFF Is this true, Pistol? SIR HUGH EVANS No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse. PISTOL Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine, I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here!
Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest! SLENDER By these gloves, then, 'twas he. NYM Be avised, sir, and pass good humours:
I will say 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on me; that is the very note of it. SLENDER By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. FALSTAFF What say you, Scarlet and John? BARDOLPH Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences. SIR HUGH EVANS It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is! BARDOLPH And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed the careires. SLENDER Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:
if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves. SIR HUGH EVANS So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. FALSTAFF You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen;you hear it.
Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following PAGE Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.
Exit ANNE PAGE SLENDER O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. PAGE How now, Mistress Ford! FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:
by your leave, good mistress.
Kisses her PAGE Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS SLENDER I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here.
Enter SIMPLE
How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you? SIMPLE Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas? SHALLOW Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you.
A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me? SLENDER Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable;if it be so, I shall do that that is reason. SHALLOW Nay, but understand me. SLENDER So I do, sir. SIR HUGH EVANS Give ear to his motions, Master Slender:
I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it. SLENDER Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says:
